Money and Relationships: How to Talk About Money With your Partner
The biggest source of conflict for couples? Money. So save yourself the drama and schedule in those money date nights
You find yourself in a new relationship and things are going great. You’re scheduling in date nights, sharing Netflix subscriptions and before you know it, you’re renting an apartment together. But research shows that money is the biggest source of conflict which is why starting the conversation early will save you the headache. Because if you’re going to do life with your partner, you need to be aligned on your goals and how your finances will help to get you there. And failure to align on those goals could send your relationship into bumpy territory. So with that being said, it’s time to start talking about money.
Why it’s important to talk to your partner about money
Inevitably in any romantic relationship, your finances begin to merge. Whether it’s splitting the bill at the restaurant, or dividing the cost of bills on your first home together, you’re going to be financially tied to your partner in one way or another. And as time goes, those financial ties only get stronger.
Money issues can come up at any point in a relationship:
- When you’re first dating
- When you decide to move in together
- Deciding to have children
- Buying a house
- When you retire
- If and when you decide to separate
Initiating the conversation with your partner
When initiating the conversation, it can be helpful to approach the money topic in a non-confrontational way, and to focus on the importance of financial stability and planning for the future. You can also emphasise the benefits of discussing money openly and honestly, such as being able to make informed decisions about how to save, invest, and spend as a couple. Ultimately, the key is to be respectful and understanding of your partner's perspective, and to work together to find solutions that work for both of you.
Talking about money with your partner
It goes without saying that if you want to talk about money with your partner, you need to open the gates of communication. Feeling comfortable to talk about anything and everything is the secret to relationship success and talking about your finances is no different. Consider setting up a regular money talk – like a date night, but where you talk about your financial goals and dreams. That way, you know what’s going on, can align on some key dreams and start working towards the same goals.
Share with your partner your spending habits, your future goals, your debt, and any financial problems you’re facing. Don’t forget you’re a partnership and that you’re meant to work together. It may feel scary to have this conversation at first, but once you have had the first conversation, you’ll never look back.
Honesty and transparency with your partner
As well as communication, you need honesty. If you’re not honest about your finances, this can cause a lot of tension and uncertainty in your relationship. When discussing money with your partner, be honest and transparent about your financial situation, including your income, savings, debts, and expenses. This will help you both understand each other's financial priorities and goals, and will make it easier to plan for the future.
You're doing life together. So get real about your goals.
But beyond that, be honest about your hopes and dreams. Do you want to have children in two years time? What are your goals in terms of property? Are you dreaming of becoming a digital nomad? Be honest and truthful about your personal desires, even if you worry they’re not on the same page. By having the conversation, you might just find they are. And if they’re not, you can find some ways to align. This way, you’re not going to get six months down the road and face unwanted surprises. But this of course relies on you both being transparent, so create a safe space to do that.
Setting financial goals with your partner
By opening communication and being honest with your partner, you can start setting goals for your future. Let’s say you want start a family soon. Well having a family creates more expenses in the household, and could even lead to a significant drop in income if one of you decides to give up work. But by setting clear goals together, you’ll be prepared for those changes later down the road.
Understanding your partner’s attitudes towards money
When merging yourselves financially, you want to align on your attitudes towards money. That starts with understanding them first. Use these questions as a guide:
- How confident are you about managing your money?
- Do you have a budget, and if so, do you stick to it?
- Are you an impulsive spender?
- Do you ever need help with money?
- Do you prefer to save or invest your money?
Understanding your partner’s attitudes towards money
When merging yourselves financially, you want to align on your attitudes towards money. That starts with understanding them first. Use these questions as a guide:
- How confident are you about managing your money?
- Do you have a budget, and if so, do you stick to it?
- Are you an impulsive spender?
- Do you ever need help with money?
- Do you prefer to save or invest your money?
Should we have a joint account for shared expenses?
We have talked about communication and honesty, but what about the more practical side of your finances. How much of your finances should you combine with your partner? Firstly, ask yourself the question. Is your partner financially responsible? If the answer is yes, then consider a joint account for shared expenses.
If you share expenses and bills such as rent, gas bills, food, etc, total them all up. Once you have a total figure, decide what percentage each of you will pay. This is different for every couple and will be decided on whatever works best for you and your situation. Then when payday comes around you both transfer that set percentage into the joint account. Set up all of your joint bills to come out of this account and you are good to go. A joint account makes it easier for you both to keep track of everything and makes life far easier.
Keep your freedom and independence
However, it is also important to still have your own individual bank account and savings account and your own money to save and spend. If you want that skinny vanilla oat flat white, by having your own account, no one can tell you no. Always keep that independence. By having your own savings account, that holds your F*** You Fund, you always have your freedom. If you want to quit your job because you are unhappy, you can use your fund. You do not have to ask anyone or allow anyone to tell you no.
Finance is romance, right?
It might not seem romantic at face value, but there’s actually nothing more romantic than planning a future and setting goals together. So whether you’re in your honeymoon period or have been in the same relationship for some years, creating a vulnerable space to talk about money is where connection and intimacy happens.
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